Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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