I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
