I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
