Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
