I hate all girls vehemently.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Randomize
