My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
