A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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