6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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