Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
