i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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