I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
