Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
