Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
