You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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