It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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