I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
