I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
