He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
