I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your penis caused this!
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