Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
