I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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