that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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