Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
