So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
