The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
