i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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