I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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