right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
