This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
