I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
