I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
