duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
ttyl tear gas
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
