There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
