Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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