Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
