Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
