I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't put those talents on a resume
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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