I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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