I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
