Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
