I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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