I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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