the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
