she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
