Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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