No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
