Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
