If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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