A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
