The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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