let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
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Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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