my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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